Codependency / Boundary Work

Codependence is complex and newish concept in the field of psychology and is playfully defined by Melody Beaty as “giving more than you want to, and then feeling resentful”. It can also be conceived as a difficulty setting functional boundaries with loved ones and even the world at large. If you picture setting a fence around a property (a boundary) you have to first find out where that property is, where it begins and where it ends. So much of the this work is around discovering who you are, what you need and want, owning it, and then learning to communicate it with firm yet respectful….you guessed it: boundaries. Many people fear that if they begin setting boundaries that they will become unlovable or isolated, but the truth is well captured by my own mentor: “boundaries are not only what separate us, but also where we meet”. Once settled in the safety of your own well defined limits a much deeper intimacy with others becomes possible. One final identifying concept is a question: do you find that you attempt to meet you own needs by first meeting others needs? Do you find its just not working, that your needs are chronically unmet? If the answer is yes, you might get relief from this kind of boundary work. People who struggle with boundaries are also some of my favorite people, they are the people who’s biggest problem is that they care too much! There are so many strengths to work with when working with codependency because, as with most characteristics, our strengths are also our weaknesses. My approach does not intend to take that love and care away, only to give more flexibility and choice while strengthening the personal core as center.